Cricket jokes, cricket humour and comedy.
The cricket match is really boring - no runs, hardly any wickets. The spectators
are getting really fed up. They're yawning and getting restless. After a while
some of them notice that the sky is getting cloudier and cloudier, and darker
and darker. And then, all of a sudden, all the lights cut out.
"That's the first time bad play stopped light," shouted somebody
high up in the stand.
A Sussex fast bowler called Lyall
Took a run-up of nearly a mile.
In one Gillette Cup
He never turned up
And was last seen just south of the Nile.
Which insect loves sport?
What animal is the best cricket player.
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got a cricket bat stuck in my ear.
Doctor: "How's that?" Patient: "Don't you start."
Why couldn't Robin play cricket?
He'd lost his bat, man.
Which team plays cricket while half undressed?
The Vest Indies.
When Ian Botham went to get a Chinese takeaway was he out for a Peking Duck?
When Ian Botham goes to the off-licence is he out for a six-pack?
Cricketer: 'Doctor, I'm having a terrible time. I'm not getting any runs, my ground fielding is dreadful and I can't hold my catches. What should I do?'
Doctor: Try a different sport.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm captain of England!'
'Boy. that bowler is good,' said the American, 'he hits that bat right in the middle every goddamn time.'
In a paternity case against a well-known Test cricketer the plaintiff was asked on what grounds the case was based. The reply was quick and to the point, 'Lords, The Gabba, Faizabad and Karachi.'
'I've never umpired a cricket match before. Do I have to run after the ball?'
'No, after the match.'
It is rumored that a Test cricketer once remarked, 'When you bat with Kapel Dev you don't call - you pray!'
'I've been invited to join Essex, they want me to play for them very badly.'
'Well in that case you're just the man.'
The public school was at home to a cricket eleven from the coal mines. A miner approached the school captain. 'Here, where are your bowlers?'
'Oh, we don't wear bowlers, we have caps.'
He was tall, good looking, charming and a first-class batsman and some surprise was shown when he refused to coach the ladies in the art of batsmanship. When he was asked why he refused he stroked his chin thoughtfully and replied, 'Well, if I were to coach them I would be telling them to keep their legs close together and that would go against my nature.'
In a London court a man was charged with attempted arson. In reply to the charge of trying to set fire to the new stand at Lords the man said he had a burning interest in cricket.
'You need glasses,' growled the dismissed batsman as he passed the man in the white coat. 'So do you, mate,' answered the man. 'I'm selling ice cream.'
Greek spectator to his brother: 'I don't know what you think of this cricket but it's all English to me.'
Last night at the annual cricket club dance the music was so bad that when someone sounded the fire alarm everyone got up to dance.
A young Irish cricketer on tour in Canada was delighted when he was given a room with running water as he had always wanted to meet a Red Indian.
Bowler:: 'I had three catches dropped today.'
Captain: 'Yes, but they were all dropped by spectators in the stand!'
Wife: 'Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! That's all you think about. If you mention cricket once again I'll die, that's what I'll do, just die!'
Husband (bowling an off spinner with an orange):
'Promises! Promises! Promises!'
How long were you in the first eleven?'
'Oh, about five feet eight inches.'
The reason so many cricketers look weather-beaten is that rain stops play so often.
A streaker who ran onto the playing area at the Adelaide Oval during a Test match was caught by the short leg and led off.
First MCC Member: 'My wife's in bed with shingles.'
Second MCC Member: 'Nice chap, Shingles. Used to open the innings with him at Oxford.'
The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman.
'Hard luck,' sneered the new batsman.
'Yes. It's a shame that I had to be in the middle -of a hat trick!'
He must be an Irish cricketer.'
'He has his pads strapped onto his wellies.'
' Then there was the girl who wanted a date with the fast bowler because she heard he had a good line and length.
Announcement at a village cricket match: 'For the .benefit of the players here are the names of the spectators.'
'I can't understand it,' said the dismissed batsman. 'The ball hit my head and first slip caught it and the umpire gave me out.'
'I know,' said his friend. 'Sometimes they go by the sound.'
'I f W. G. Grace were here today I wonder how he would play in this limited-over cricket?'
'Not very well I should think. He'd be over one hundred and fifty years old!'
I have your autograph, mister?' the boy asked the cricketer.
The cricketer tried to brush him off. 'I really don't play cricket,' he said.
'I know that,' replied :the boy, 'but I'd like to have it anyway!'
During the second day of the Test match at Lords the Queen paid a visit to the ground and play was stopped while the teams were presented to her.
It was a case of reign stopped play.
Owing to a clerical error, castor oil instead of salad oil was delivered to the Melbourne Cricket Club where the third Test match is being played. The Australians are batting and are expected to make a lot of runs this afternoon.
A word of advice was given by the senior professional to the new cricket captain. 'If I can be of any help just ask. You know two heads are better than one - especially if they are on a coin.'
Can he bowl a Chinaman?'
'He couldn't bowl a delph dog.'
Captain: (to dismissed batsman): 'What happened?'
Batsman: 'The ball came back very quickly.'
Captain: 'And so did you.'
The Devil proposed a cricket match between Heaven and Hell. Saint Peter smiled, 'It wouldn't be fair for we have all the cricketers.' 'Ah, pointed out the Devil. 'We have all the umpires.'
Cricket, cricket, cricket,' the wife nagged. 'That's all you ever think of. Why, I bet you don't even remember the day we were married!'
'Of course I do,' replied the husband. 'It was the day Denis Compton scored 107 against Yorkshire.'
At the Lords Taverners' Annual Ball held at Lords Cricket Ground last night Raquel Welch and Elizabeth Taylor were refused admittance as the President had ruled out bouncers
The batsman stormed into the pavilion and growled, 'That umpire who gave me out Ibw should be carrying a white stick.' 'Did you get his name?' 'No, but I'd know his laugh anywhere!'
It is said of Imran Khan that he is the only player to call his partner for a run and wish him good luck at the same time.
W. G. Grace stroked his beard as he asked, 'Tell me, Murdoch, how many great players have you played against?'
'One less than you think,' replied the Australian captain.
It was a return match and the batsman was out first ball.
'Not like last week,' grinned the happy bowler. 'Not likely,' said the batsman. 'Last week I carried my bat for 112, and when I went in all the beer was gone!'
The office boy had asked for the afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. Instead, he went to a cricket match where the score was 220 for 0. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder and there was his boss.
'So this is your uncle's funeral?" asked the boss. 'Looks like it,' replied the boy, 'he's the bowler!'
What is higher than an Australian cricket captain?
The captain was giving the young batsman some advice. 'Now, when you go in, watch that slow left hand bowler very carefully. Keep your eye on the ball from when it leaves the bowler's hand and watch it all the way.'
'Never mind the bowler,' growled the old hand. 'Watch the umpire; that's his father!'
'The opposing captain watched the young batsman barely survive an over.
'I'm told cricket is your love,' said the batsman to the captain.
'Quite right,' nodded the older player, 'but don't let that worry you — you just keep on playing.'
The captain refused a request for a player to miss a three-day county match. 'I can't excuse you. If I did I'll have to do the same for every player who wins $100,000 on the Australian Football Pools.'
'My wife's going to leave me if I don't stop playing cricket.'
'Oh dear! That's too bad.'
'Yes, I'll miss her.'
Cricketer: 'How do I stand for a test trial?'
Selector: 'You don't stand, you grovel.'
The visitor was having lunch at Lords with a Member. 'Do we say grace?' he asked. The Member looked appalled. 'Gad sir, this is Lords,' he thundered. 'We always say "Compton".'
Why do you call it a hat trick?'
'Because it's performed by a bowler.'
'I can't understand it,' said the captain. 'It was such an important match that I bribed the umpire and yet we lost.'
Terrible, isn't it,' the wicket-keeper said. 'It's getting so that you can't trust anyone.'
Captain (to dismissed batsman): 'I see you were using old polo today.'
Batsman: 'Why do you call my bat polo?
Because it has a sweet sound?'
Captain: 'No, because it seems to have a hole in the middle.'
A hooded streaker ran through the ladies changing-room at the local cricket club while four ladies were undressing.
Three of the ladies remarked that he wasn't her husband, and the fourth stated that he wasn't even a member of the club.
He had dropped five catches during the innings. As he left the field he asked, 'Has anyone got lOp? I want to telephone a friend.'
'Here's 20p,' said the bowler, 'telephone them all!'
' The young batsman returned to the pavilion after a short shakey knock.
'That was a lovely stroke,' remarked the incoming batsman.
'The one when you hit the ball!'
The annual cricket dance was going well and George had coaxed Joan into the changing-room of the pavilion.
Joan: 'Oh no George, you mustn't. Mummy wouldn't like it.' -George: 'Mummy's not going to get it!'
Lady: 'Excuse me son, but I'm making an eiderdown and I would be so grateful if you could supply me with the down.'
Cricketer: 'I'm sorry m'am, I can't help you as I haven't any down. Why ask me?'
Lady: 'Well, your friends told me you had more ducks than anyone else this season.'
Sheik: 'It is said he has eighty maidens.'
Cricketer: 'Another five and he can get a new ball.'
The farmer swung at the ball, missed it and it thudded into his box. As he lay doubled up on the ground the friendly wicket-keeper patted him on the shoulder and said, 'Look on the bright side old chap, that's increased the size of your farm — you've got a couple more "acres".'
Mountbatten, Stan Bowls and W. C. Fields.
The gushing bore cornered Denis Lillee at a party.
'Oh Mr. Lillee, I passed by your house today.' 'Thank you very much,' answered the cricketer.
Slowly, the batsman dragged his bat into the pavilion and slumped down on the bench. 'I've never played so badly before.' 'Oh?' said the interested captain. 'You've played before, have you?'
Girlfriend: 'Why is that man running?'
Cricketer: 'He hit the ball.'
Girlfriend: 'Is it not his ball?'
Middlesex and Yorkshire were playing at Lords. A man sporting a large white rose, appeared at the ticket office and asked the price of admission. '£2, sir,' was the reply.
'Then here's £1. There's only one team worth watching.'
He was a loyal supporter: 'All Nottingham have to do to get the County Championship is to win eleven of their last four matches.'
Man on telephone: '... and after I pour the drinks I'm going to lead you into the bedroom, put-you on the bed, strip you naked and make mad passionate love to you - and would you stop telling me the Test match score!'
'Doctor, come quickly. The scorer has swallowed his pen!'
I'll be there immediately. What have you done?'
'Borrowed another one!'
The bowler was having terrible luck; another coat of varnish and he would have had a wicket. The batsman missed every ball. At the end of the over, the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper and sneered: 'He must be the worst bowler in the country!'
'That would be too much of a coincidence!' replied the wicket-keeper.
Doctor, I feel like a cricket bat.'
Doctor, I feel like a small cricket stump.' 'A little off, eh?'
Doctor, I feel like a cricket ball.' 'You'll soon be over that.'
Doctor, I keep seeing ducks before my eyes.'
'Have you seen an optician?'
'No, just ducks.'
Doctor, every time I lift my bat I feel like crying.'
'Perhaps it's a weeping willow.'
Doctor, I feel just like an umpire.'
'Don't be silly. There must be someone somewhere who likes you a little.'
They were on their honeymoon and in bed making love. As she stroked his hair her finger touched something in his ear and she said, 'I didn't know you wore a hearing aid.'
'That's not a hearing aid,' he replied, 'that's the earpiece of my radio. I'm listening to "Test Match Special".'
The captain called the wicket-keeper to one side and said softly, 'Freddie, you will really have to improve. You missed three catches today.'
'I didn't miss them,' protested the wicket-keeper, 'they just dropped out!'
The two old men were talking about their cricketing days. 'What was your highest score?' 'One hundred and eighty-six.'
'Mine was two hundred and ten - not out. And what was your best spell of bowling?' 'Oh no! You first this time.'
The cricketer was sitting on the bench suffering the effects of a night out as the captain approached him.
Captain: 'Glad to see you at practice last night.'
Cricketer: 'Oh, was that where I was?'
The young batsman had collected three ducks in a row and naturally was rather depressed. The club bore patted him on the shoulder and said, 'Don't worry old boy. Two seasons ago I went through a very bad patch and I'll tell you what brought on the change.'
Overhearing this, the captain enquired: 'What change?'
'You know,' said the club bore, 'it's amazing how my cricketing ability is known. I was at Lords the other day and suddenly there were about twenty people with cameras, all snapping away like mad.' 'Oh, come off it, Ponsonbey.' 'Well, it's true, and if you don't believe me ask Ian Botham - he was standing next to me!'
Who's the batsman dressed like a sailor?'
'Oh, he's the sheet anchor.'
'The batsman played forward and pushed the ball slightly wide to mid-off. 'No, no, no!' he yelled to the non-striker who was backing up.
'You know,' said the other batsman as he grounded his bat, 'you sound just like my girlfriend.'
Jones had a terrible row with his wife last week.'
'Well, he told her he had to act as night watchman, so she expected a little extra in her housekeeping money.'
The two cricketers were having a drink in their local.
'What do you mean, you had a hard time explaining the cricket match to your wife?'
'She found out I wasn't there.
A spectator had to be removed from a cricket match as she had kept shouting, 'Kill the umpire, kill the umpire!'
She has since been identified as the umpire's wife.
Tommy studied the examination question thoughtfully. 'What was the main cause of the War of the Roses?'
He wrote in a firm hand, 'The County Championship.'
The match was very dull and not a run was scored for an hour. Suddenly, there was a loud bang as a car backfired. Came a voice from the crowd, Tell that man to be quiet, or he'll wake up the scorer!'
The batsman kept playing the ball back to the bowler for over after over. A visitor turned to a home supporter next to him.
'Does that batsman ever score runs?'
'Don't know,' was the reply. 'I've only been coming here for three years.'
The match was very dull and one spectator turned to his friend: 'I'm surprised the spectators don't barrack.'
'Difficult to shout and yawn at the same time,' replied his friend.
'What did Robinson say when he was run out?'
'Shall I leave out the swear words?' 'Yes.' 'He never spoke.'
When Jeff Thompson and Denis Lillee were spear-heading the Australian attack during a tour of England, an English Test batsman was asked when he found these two the least difficult to play. He replied, 'When I'm at the other end!'
A Yorkshire man on a world cruise received the following radio message from his father: 'Regret your grandmother died this morning. We're one hundred and eighty-four for two. Boycott ninety-two not out.'
First Wife: 'What do you think about Joan, she's gone off with the cricket coach.'
Second Wife: 'I didn't know she could drive.'
Husband: 'Only for Archie Brown we would have lost the match today.'
Wife: 'Is he a batsman or bowler?'
Husband: 'Neither. He's the umpire.'
The jilted bride drove to the cricket ground and confronted her fiance who was buckling on his pads.
'How could you do it? Everyone at the church except you. Why didn't you come?'
'Don't you ever listen,' he answered as he pulled on his gloves. 'I distinctly said only if it rained!'
The burly batsman strode out to the wicket and prepared to take the bowling.
'Don't you want guard?' asked the umpire.
'No thanks,' replied the batsman, 'I've played here before.'
Yorkshire fast bowler: 'Hi, captain, I've just swallowed the ball.'
England captain: 'Don't worry. The umpire has another one just like it in his pocket.'
Cricketer: 'I've been to my doctor and he says I can't play cricket.'
Captain: 'Oh? When did he see you play?'
'Doctor, every night I have the same dream. I'm opening for England against Australia and I'm always bowled first ball. It's just driving me mad.'
Doctor: 'Well, try dreaming of Pamela Anderson instead.'
Cricketer: 'What? And miss my turn to bat?'
The captain looked at his middle-aged batting partner who had just had him run out. 'It's a great pity you hadn't taken the game up sooner.'
'You mean I'd be playing Test cricket by this time?'
'No, you'd have already retired!'
The Test player stalked into the pavilion and growled, 'That Irish doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.'
'What did he say?'
'He told me I had tennis elbow!'
The fast bowler gazed at his award, the MBE, and growled, 'It's unfair, that's what it is, unfair. Think of it, Sir Don Bradman, Sir Len Hutton, Sir Jack Hobbs and Sir Frank Worrell -all bloody batsman; seems to me the last bowler to be knighted was Sir Francis Drake!'
The batsman mistimed the ball and it just touched his off stump and one bail gently fell to the ground. With great aplomb the batsman replaced the bail and remarked cheerfully, 'Rather a strong wind today.'
'Indeed there is, so be careful it doesn't blow your cap off on your way back to the pavilion,' replied the umpire.
First Starlet: 'It says here Roger scored 22 and was out "Handled ball".'
Second Starlet: 'Oh, how singular!'
'I really had him in two minds that time,' said the bowler, rubbing one side of the ball.
'Indeed you had. He didn't know whether to hit you for a six or four,' replied the captain.
Unknown Commentator: 'The first tune you face up to a googly you're going to be in trouble if you've never faced one before.'
He had a bad day in the field, dropping six catches, and now as he sat huddled in the dressing room he could feel a cold coming on. 'I think I've caught a cold,' he muttered.
'Thank goodness you're able to catch something,' grunted the captain.
The cricket-loving shop steward rubbed his hands with glee. 'Good morning's work, had them all out before lunch.'
The lady was telling of her instruction at the cricket school. 'It's really a wonderful school.'
'But you have been going for six months and you say you still can't bowl. Is the instructor bad?'
The young batsman was apologising to his captain for scoring yet another duck. 'Perhaps I should have another net.' 'Well, make it a fishing one!'
It was a slow-scoring match and one club member turned to his colleague and said, 'I think the modern game needs more spirit.' 'More spirit?' 'Yes please. I'll have a large brandy.'
Husband (watching TV): 'Joel Gamer has come back to bowl with a new ball.'
Wife (knitting): 'Wonderful what doctors can do these days.'
The handsome and dashing batsman had been struck several times in the ribs by the fast bowler and had been taken to the local hospital for a check-up. The pretty nurse told him to go behind the screen and take his clothes off.
Having done so he called, 'I've taken my clothes off, nurse. Where shall I put them?' 'On top of mine," came the reply.
The batsman was going well against the fast bowlers and was approaching his first ever century, when the twelfth man ran out and whispered to him. The batsman walked over to the fielding captain and said, 'I say Mike, my wife's expecting quins any minute and she wants me at the hospital. Any chance of putting on your slow bowlers?'
'Whatever happened to that hit-and-run driver?'
'He's top of the batting averages in the prison team.'
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. If the batsmen can't score, The bowlers must.
Then there was the batsman who held up one end all day and got a hernia.
Now remember,' said the coach. 'You must always get behind the ball.'
'Now, how do I do that?' demanded the Irishman.
'Sure it's the same all the way round?'
Mummy, why do fairy tales always start with "Once Upon A Time?"'
'They don't always, dear. The ones your father tells usually start, "I never touched the ball ...'"
When an expectant father telephoned the hospital to see how his wife was getting on, he was connected to the local cricket club instead. 'What's the news?' he asked.
'Great,' came the reply. 'We've got four out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. And by the way, the last one was a duck.'
The wicket-keeper applied for a trial with a local team. After the trial he was advised that he would not be invited to join the club. However, he asked the captain for a letter of introduction to another club. The captain, not wishing to dampen the young man's enthusiasm, gave him a letter which stated, 'As the wicket-keeper, the bearer is passable.'
That was my best innings ever,' said the eager young batsman.
'Well,' grunted the old pro, 'don't let that discourage you.'
Cricketer: 'Captain I've an idea which may help team win a few matches.'
Captain: 'Oh good! When are you leaving?'
Cricketer: 'What's my temperature, nurse?'
Nurse: 'A hundred and one.'
Cricketer: 'That's the first time I've reached a hundred before lunch.'
Bowler (looking at the incoming batsman): 'Is he a good hooker?'
'No, you're thinking of his sister.'
My wife gave me this lovely ring as a present so I'm praying I don't get hit on it and have it damaged.'
'My wife gave me a new box so I'm praying I don't get hit on it and have it damaged!'
The umpire bent his arm and shouted, 'One short.'
The batsman shook his long golden hair and shrilled, 'Cheeky! How did you know?'
'I can't bowl a Chinaman but I can bowl an Irishman any time I like,' said the bowler.
'How do you bowl an Irishman?'
'Hand him two glasses of Guinness when he's batting.'
A member of the MCC was asked to state the difference between an Australian Test cricketer and an English Test cricketer.
He straightened his brightly coloured club tie and said, 'An Australian cricketer walks out to bat as if the ground belonged to him, an English cricketer walks out as if he didn't give a damn to whom it belonged.'
The batsman played back to the fast bowler. The ball came sharply off the shoulder of the bat and struck him in the face. He fell back on his wicket and sprawled on the ground. As he lay there spitting out blood and broken teeth, the wicket-keeper looked down at him and cheerfully observed, 'Lucky for you it was a no-ball!'
Doctor: 'What your husband needs is complete rest so he'll be fit for the Test match on Thursday. Here are some sleeping tablets.'
Wife: 'Very good doctor. How many should I give him?'
Doctor: 'Don't give him any, take them yourself.'
Old hand: 'When you're bowling, you must bowl with the head.'
Young hand: 'Is it not hard on the ears?'
The public school was playing a small village team; the school has won the toss and decided to bat. The first ball shattered the wicket of a rather haughty opening batsman, who, as he walked out remarked to the bowler, 'Lovely ball, my good man.'
'What did you expect?' growled the blacksmith. 'A bloody beetroot?'
Then there was the trainee electrician who failed his examination because when asked what DC stood for, replied, 'Denis Compton'.